'There is always a slip between the cup and the lip' that was her favourite quote and she was all prepared with this in mind, to meet him . "You can say all that you want because when I start I want your full attention", that's how he began the conversation. She had a premonition that something bad would happen. Unlike her usual self she was silent."You are not the person I wanted", he stated it raw. It made a screeching sound in her mind , something similar you hear when chalk screeches on a black board. She always found that irritating. " Maybe life has made you hard and you can't reciprocate, but I can wait patiently", she said. "And why would you do that out of some fancy?, get practical dear I work on plans , and if my planning goes wrong I don't venture into the whole thing at all". To him everything was a perfect plan, not that she did not notice it from day 1. But there had been pauses in long conversations, when she felt the stone hearted guy melt, there was a lot he could not express but she read them. It felt impossible to believe all that he said were questions for analysis.He analyzed and she let him do it, never did she feel like a guinea pig. Though he kept reminding her not to take things a level high, was he sure he didn't take them either? Had it been so why was it difficult to say things in black and white?
"I am looking for someone who can walk shoulder to shoulder with me facing problems" , he said."As in BSF ( border security force)" she asked? "Well you are weak by my standards", he added. Could not blame him for the analytical nature but what amazed her was how his life had merged with his job.
Taking an objective stand she could understand the problems stemmed from a deeper wound. She could not reach there and he would not let her. There was no denying some changes that happened in both their lives were irreversible."Why do we cling to things that don't last"? and "why do we neglect things that would last life long"?
"Where is your ego silly girl? pamper it , boost it, inflate it",her mind said. A tiny voice from some where within whispered" Not worth it". Sometimes you are fully loaded and ready to attack but you prefer not to. Why does that happen? No, definitely not because you are scared or weak. You just don't want to fight as natural as a kid says "no mood for school".
She was silent, and it was the most beautiful silence she experienced. Everything she did she could associate it with colours. Her silence was pale blue. She wrapped her arms around her knees and breathed. She counted till ten not her breath but his.
She remembered the curse of Tantalus - who was cursed to stand under a tree and when he raised his hands to pluck fruits it moved higher and when he lowered himself to drink water the water disappeared. And Tantalus tortured with desire to quench his thirst and satisfy his hunger stood defeated all his life, never getting what he wanted.
Some goals in life are tantalizing we are disillusioned in believing we can achieve them but the more we move towards them , more we are disheartened with their illusory effect.
She smiled at Tantalus and said, I free you, to free myself. Surprisingly it rained in the scorching summer.....Rains played a pivotal role in her life.Her sole witness to all her losses and new beginnings. It would be unfair had it not rained then.....
I'll miss you Tantalus.... May your ego not lead to your curse of solitude and unquenchable thirst.
With a smile she said "Tantalus I free you".