Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The girl who lives in the past

“Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart and his friends can only read the title.”

- Virginia Woolf

I have always been described as the girl who lives in the past. I know many who live in the past, some who live in the future and none who live in the present.( That's my quote). It's not like I have a wonderful past to stick on to. I actually don't remember a lot from the past but I am a nostalgic being by habit.I love old songs, old movies, old people and old fashions.
 Many of my memories from the past are sensorial. Like I can smell my dad, he always smelled good. The secret to this was that he changed three shirts a day and used three different perfumes, apart from the after shave, talcum powder and creams he applied. Yes dad is the only man I know in the Pre- Shahrukh ad days-  who used creams for that particular skin glow. In fact it was from him and not my mom that I learnt of vico turmeric and fair and lovely. In many ways dad had a lot many feminine qualities, my mom never had. I would have laughed at his devotion to beautifying himself then, but recently a quote by Virginia Woolf ( I am die hard fan of hers) reminded me, what dad did was perhaps normal.

" It is fatal to be a man or woman pure and simple: one must be a woman manly, or a man womanly."
I completely agree. I remember him fretting over a pimple in fact borrowing clearsil from us his kids. I can vividly see mom running after him to get a wound dressed and dad crying like a kid.In his demeanor he was gentle a quality people often related to a woman. Dad was the talker, talk , talk, talk. He had the charisma to keep people listening too. 
He had a taste for music and the first ghazal I heard was " chupke chupke raat din" by Ghulam Ali at the age of 3. Dad was a sufi when it came to music much to mom's disapproval he played the devotional songs of Muslims and Hindus and Christians too. Some of my memories of the past is quite musical. I remember each class I passed or failed based on hit or flop number that was popular those days.

Dad had a strong penchant for good food though he seldom shared it with us. He was indeed a glutton and never believed in sharing. He also got invited to lot of places he never took us and I remember listening to him vividly describe his trysts with food.Knowing we would never get to be to any of those places made me visualise what those treats would look and taste like.

Though I never admitted this when he was alive I think I have inherited the love for animals from him and the niceness and willingness to be fooled time after time by people I trust and love the most. 

I miss those long discussions, those sweet smells, those clamours over music, debates over politics and religion. I wish I could show him these blogs, my new inventions in the kitchen, progress at work and I think he would understand.
I was listening to this song 'Darmiyaan' from a boring movie called jodi breakers and though it was a romantic movie the lines' kuch toh tha tere mere darmiyaan' reminded me of dad and that's how nostalgic music can make me. Sometimes missing someone is not even painful it's a calm,serene feeling of contentment. The more one can recollect good memories over bad ones the missing seems more meaningful.

I know , I know I am getting too emotional in my posts these days but hey this is an online journal and I did not promise entertainment :)  and I am entitled to be emotional for I am the blue girl :)

Do listen to Shreya Ghosal version of Darmiyaan and if you have a penchant for music like me you''ll travel to a different world too, I promise.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Kia Kaha

Sometimes silence is golden. For me silence means I am burning within, things are chaotic and I am looking for the fire exit of my life or that I am punishing myself for being an absolute idiot. Sometimes it all happens to coincide- my reason for silence. I always considered myself an honest individual- too idealistic, aggressive a typical type A personality. But off late, I feel myself drifting, weak from the ambush of jerks. The fact that I am aware they are jerks do nothing to make me feel justified in times of crisis. My honesty is so compulsive that I tend to believe I am wrong when someone tends to label me in grey. I baked 8 cakes last time I felt ambushed ( choco-apple tea-bread) but my soul feels abysmal. 
A friend of mine from New Zealand said something quite soothing today. She repeatedly slipped in these words in her mail and the each time I pronounce it, I feel soothed. 'Kia Kaha', 'Kia Kaha', it feels like a mantra. It definitely feels like a name I would have loved to take up. Kia Kaha in Maori means ' Be strong' and my friend tells me this phrase means deeper than it's definition and has been a source of support to New Zealanders through out their history. Kia Kaha is part of their marching song, was a popular slogan and message during the Christ church earth quake and therefore is a term closely connected to the lives of  New Zealanders.

My friend often greets me saying "hi from the bottom of the world" and it often makes me smile.Thanks Keryn for this loving message. I know tough times never last but tough people do- all they need to do is keep chanting 'Kia Kaha'. Five years ago  I began blogging to prove to someone I could write. The comments motivated me, later built my hopes, then progressed me to a narcissist who fretted when there were no comments, when my friends did not become followers and my family never read me. As I progressed in life as a blogger and a human being I realised the comments don't matter and failures won't make me hide in fact they made me a fighter. But I still feel low on certain days and worry about things that have no significance at all. 
Do you feel stagnant in life? Do you doubt yourself? And try hard masking it with a phony face while your heart is throbbing all along? I would say- 'Kia Kaha'.

I am reading  'Life without Limits' by Nick Vujicic and a quote of his inspired me a lot. It woke me from my inertia and forced me to post this today. The quote goes like this -"Some injuries heal more quickly when you keep moving". I have been going through an excruciating phase feeling empty and wondering why I should even consider blogging. My topics that once were never ending were now empty or rather I found everything I wrote as trivial. We all go through such phases of self doubt in life which I call the Wilderness phase of life. Some say it happens when you think too much and some say it happens when you have read a lot. I don't believe in both the theories, I think the wilderness phase comes in before a beautiful spring to make you stronger.I believe that this phase has its lessons too and I need to be more observant and silent.

And I am amazed how help comes from the least expected channels when you lose hope from Nick's book, Keryn's mail. How life won't let me give up and wants me to strike back with all the vigour I have. Maybe one among you out there who reads this will find an answer through this confession of mine. And for you... I write. I get back to blogging..... 

Move ahead in life despite that stupid mistake, despite the wasted years, the wrong plan, the painful moment, the wrong relationship, keep moving because staying stagnant won't help you grow. And some wounds heal quickly when you keep moving.

I promise to keep writing for myself and not because someone out there will comment or not comment.