The girl who lives in the past

“Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart and his friends can only read the title.”

- Virginia Woolf

I have always been described as the girl who lives in the past. I know many who live in the past, some who live in the future and none who live in the present.( That's my quote). It's not like I have a wonderful past to stick on to. I actually don't remember a lot from the past but I am a nostalgic being by habit.I love old songs, old movies, old people and old fashions.

 Many of my memories from the past are sensorial. Like I can smell my dad, he always smelled good. The secret to this was that he changed three shirts a day and used three different perfumes, apart from the after shave, talcum powder and creams he applied. Yes dad is the only man I know in the Pre- Shahrukh ad days-  who used creams for that particular skin glow. In fact it was from him and not my mom that I learnt of vico turmeric and fair and lovely. In many ways dad had a lot many feminine qualities, my mom never had. I would have laughed at his devotion to beautifying himself then, but recently a quote by Virginia Woolf ( I am die hard fan of hers) reminded me, what dad did was perhaps normal.

" It is fatal to be a man or woman pure and simple: one must be a woman manly, or a man womanly."

I completely agree. I remember him fretting over a pimple in fact borrowing clearsil from us his kids. I can vividly see mom running after him to get a wound dressed and dad crying like a kid.In his demeanor he was gentle a quality people often related to a woman. Dad was the talker, talk , talk, talk. He had the charisma to keep people listening too. 

He had a taste for music and the first ghazal I heard was " chupke chupke raat din" by Ghulam Ali at the age of 3. Dad was a sufi when it came to music much to mom's disapproval he played the devotional songs of Muslims and Hindus and Christians too. Some of my memories of the past is quite musical. I remember each class I passed or failed based on hit or flop number that was popular those days.

Dad had a strong penchant for good food though he seldom shared it with us. He was indeed a glutton and never believed in sharing. He also got invited to lot of places he never took us and I remember listening to him vividly describe his trysts with food.Knowing we would never get to be to any of those places made me visualise what those treats would look and taste like.

Though I never admitted this when he was alive I think I have inherited the love for animals from him and the niceness and willingness to be fooled time after time by people I trust and love the most. 

I miss those long discussions, those sweet smells, those clamours over music, debates over politics and religion. I wish I could show him these blogs, my new inventions in the kitchen, progress at work and I think he would understand.
I was listening to this song 'Darmiyaan' from a boring movie called jodi breakers and though it was a romantic movie the lines' kuch toh tha tere mere darmiyaan' reminded me of dad and that's how nostalgic music can make me. Sometimes missing someone is not even painful it's a calm,serene feeling of contentment. The more one can recollect good memories over bad ones the missing seems more meaningful.

I know , I know I am getting too emotional in my posts these days but hey this is an online journal and I did not promise entertainment :)  and I am entitled to be emotional for I am the blue girl :)

Do listen to Shreya Ghosal version of Darmiyaan and if you have a penchant for music like me you''ll travel to a different world too, I promise.