Sometimes silence is golden. For me silence means I am burning within, things are chaotic and I am looking for the fire exit of my life or that I am punishing myself for being an absolute idiot. Sometimes it all happens to coincide- my reason for silence. I always considered myself an honest individual- too idealistic, aggressive a typical type A personality. But off late, I feel myself drifting, weak from the ambush of jerks. The fact that I am aware they are jerks do nothing to make me feel justified in times of crisis. My honesty is so compulsive that I tend to believe I am wrong when someone tends to label me in grey. I baked 8 cakes last time I felt ambushed ( choco-apple tea-bread) but my soul feels abysmal.
A friend of mine from New Zealand said something quite soothing today. She repeatedly slipped in these words in her mail and the each time I pronounce it, I feel soothed. 'Kia Kaha', 'Kia Kaha', it feels like a mantra. It definitely feels like a name I would have loved to take up. Kia Kaha in Maori means ' Be strong' and my friend tells me this phrase means deeper than it's definition and has been a source of support to New Zealanders through out their history. Kia Kaha is part of their marching song, was a popular slogan and message during the Christ church earth quake and therefore is a term closely connected to the lives of New Zealanders.
My friend often greets me saying "hi from the bottom of the world" and it often makes me smile.Thanks Keryn for this loving message. I know tough times never last but tough people do- all they need to do is keep chanting 'Kia Kaha'. Five years ago I began blogging to prove to someone I could write. The comments motivated me, later built my hopes, then progressed me to a narcissist who fretted when there were no comments, when my friends did not become followers and my family never read me. As I progressed in life as a blogger and a human being I realised the comments don't matter and failures won't make me hide in fact they made me a fighter. But I still feel low on certain days and worry about things that have no significance at all.
Do you feel stagnant in life? Do you doubt yourself? And try hard masking it with a phony face while your heart is throbbing all along? I would say- 'Kia Kaha'.
I am reading 'Life without Limits' by Nick Vujicic and a quote of his inspired me a lot. It woke me from my inertia and forced me to post this today. The quote goes like this -"Some injuries heal more quickly when you keep moving". I have been going through an excruciating phase feeling empty and wondering why I should even consider blogging. My topics that once were never ending were now empty or rather I found everything I wrote as trivial. We all go through such phases of self doubt in life which I call the Wilderness phase of life. Some say it happens when you think too much and some say it happens when you have read a lot. I don't believe in both the theories, I think the wilderness phase comes in before a beautiful spring to make you stronger.I believe that this phase has its lessons too and I need to be more observant and silent.
And I am amazed how help comes from the least expected channels when you lose hope from Nick's book, Keryn's mail. How life won't let me give up and wants me to strike back with all the vigour I have. Maybe one among you out there who reads this will find an answer through this confession of mine. And for you... I write. I get back to blogging.....
Move ahead in life despite that stupid mistake, despite the wasted years, the wrong plan, the painful moment, the wrong relationship, keep moving because staying stagnant won't help you grow. And some wounds heal quickly when you keep moving.
I promise to keep writing for myself and not because someone out there will comment or not comment.