There are those rare moments in life when we find ourselves alone and lonely. Being alone is a physical attribute, I prefer being alone when I read and write. Being alone never implies that one is lonely. While being lonely is an attribute of the mind. I can be lonely even when I am with a group of people. Sometimes I like being alone and lonely and sometimes it just happens even when I don’t want it to. There are also those rare moments when my self-esteem crashes like a hard disk unexpected, out of the blue- those rare days I really don’t want to be alone or lonely and yet I do end up that way. And before I can recover, the smithereens of my self respect, I am done. It takes me months to recuperate ,frankly though I can put up a face that ‘’ all is well’’. This happens to many of us we admit it or not is a different thing altogether. These fatal blows always come from people whom you value the most. Technically they should not matter for the pain they cause you but unfortunately we call them “FAMILY” so they have all the rights to kill you every time they think so. I so wish I could apply my postmodern view of family and life onto these individuals when they misjudge me. I check my pocket and mails for the credible details I could furnish to disprove them I am not the same old butter fingered girl who was responsible for every havoc at home. I don’t swear anymore (not always), I am clean, and I manage two homes, live in 3 cities and am considered quite popular in my circle. But then ‘Families’ always have short term memory loss and they don’t tend to move over from where they last saw you ( And that’s always when you were 10 years old and was coming into terms with your identity). So you tend to still be mean, demanding, selfish and self centred. And they somehow are always right. And you can never be right and that’s how god scripted this scene in your life.
So I have learnt that not everyone can be for you when you want them- you like it or not !!!! So if you think you would rather commit suicide discovering this truth, I would say it’s waste of effort, life would go on you die or not ( and even for your family members !!! ). If you decide not to work and take a day off, you lag by a day and days together makes months and a year and I have lost those and my antagonists never realized. And finally when you muster up courage to put things in perspective they turn around and tell you “ You are ranting out of stress and need to think straight”. And then it falls flat your greatest pride which is also the universal myth “ I live for my family and they know me”.
I have spend many moments of my sleepless nights crafting those lines in my thesis’s acknowledgement – that I owe it all to my family. And then I realized very recently had I left it all ( which I did feel like and I was always asked why I chose PhD in the fisrt place), would they have bothered, now that I struggle what is it that they do for me? A call , a mail, a letter, a visit ( none of this actually happens) so is it out of modesty that I craft these lines? Maybe yes many of us do it out of clichéd modesty.
I have decided to write these lines no matter how arrogant they feel-
“I tried, tried and tried alone, therefore I succeeded”
Some journeys are meant to be alone, should be traversed alone for they are yours and if it was left to family every child would end up being the same in life, but since we struggle and aspire to do something different in life, it’s we ourselves who bring us up to a point.
And yet, many a times we still yearn for that word of appreciation from a loved one. It won’t happen, life is not merciful and so is everyone in this world. After all families too are composed of human beings. Sometimes it hurts, very badly, I wish people realized that. And sometimes I wish I never realized the pain. But these rare moments in which your life flashes in front of you- tells you who you really are and how far you can go tolerating all the crap people tell you and the mess the create out of their and your life.
A friend of mine once told me “No one will understand your pangs in doing this PhD, for you chose something different when you could be out there earning and taking up vacations. But PhD is nothing great it’s just an academic exercise. It’s waking up every day and pushing yourself beyond your limits. Each day you create new limits. And the degree is not for the miracles you did but for the endurance”
All the disappointments and those rare moments of madness and loneliness is just part of pushing oneself beyond the limits. It’s part of the test for endurance. So every day I wake up I ask myself two questions. Is it worth staying away from my hubby? And am I ready to tolerate the crap being asked and thrown at , to push myself even farther?
I do, so I am here.