Saturday, July 31, 2010

I, Me, Myself

I am finding it difficult to keep my eyes open. I can feel heaviness on my eye lids; as if someone's trying to shut it by force. But I won't give in that easily. Between these moments of fighting with the unknown enemy I could see that the surroundings feel a little eerie. It's not the darkness; I have been in darkness before, but it's this silence which I have not felt before. I try to move my body but there is no response. I try to shout but I do not even hear my own voice. I am starting to get worried. Soon I start hearing voices, though they feel like coming from very far. Suddenly there is light coming from a corner, as if a door has been opened. I can now here the voices much clearly but there are too many people speaking at once. I try to move my head but I feel a weight holding it down. I am now able to make out that I am lying on my back, not on something, but may be suspended in mid air.
Then slowly I am being moved into the light, by the people around me. It's now that I am able to recognize those voices and see their faces. They seem to be lifting me up but I don't feel their hands touch my body. I feel of an invisible space between them and me. It takes time to come to terms with my surroundings and I suddenly feel a knot in my stomach. I have seen a morgue before but not from where I am lying now. What does this mean? My heart skips a beat. I try hard to move my body, a hand, a leg, a finger but they are beyond my control. I feel like a prisoner of my own skin. It doesn't take long for me to realize that I am in a casket and that explains the separation between me and the others. Suddenly I see my father coming forward and looking straight at me, expressionless. I scream out but the voice again just dies in my head. He closes the casket and I am in darkness again. I could not even get a proper look at him; he seems devastated.
I feel strongly about my father. I have been an obedient child to him. Not because I am one but because he is a hard taskmaster. Our relationship is more driven by fear than out of love. I would usually try to stay out of his sight and only approach him if it was about school or about money. It was a matter-of-fact kind of relationship. I am the subservient son and he being the omnipotent dad. He was directing my life; through the script of do’s and don’ts, with very little scope for re-takes.
My thoughts break with a question; am I dead then? What happened to me? I don’t feel hurt anywhere. I don’t remember anything fatal happening to me. Before I could go deeper, looking for answers, the casket opens and light floods around me. I am at home now and I can now hear wailing sounds. I see the fan rotating above me, same as how it used to when I used to lie on my bed. Mom comes and wipes my face. I yearn to feel her touch but I can’t. Something invisible still blocks my senses. I want to touch her hand but I can’t move an inch. She has always given comfort in times of pain. She is like fireplace on a snowy day; warm and accommodating. She is embodiment of God himself, who could take away all my sufferings and fulfill all my wishes. She knows all my little needs and my big wishes. She would look right through my eyes and know that I have been naughty. There is nothing to hide from her. If there’s a bullet for her I will happily take it. Then I want to ask her - what happened to me? And as if she heard my question she starts to weep heavily. I always knew there was a deeper link between us.
My brother grabs her; stops her from falling over in my casket and consoles her. He has always been our support system. From our ‘I hate you days’ to ‘brothers in arms’ years to ‘friends for ever’; the journey has been wonderful. He’s like a bridge between two river banks; providing a solution, dependable and resourceful. We always talk on stuff and share ideas. Sometimes like mentors; often like novices. Friends? May be more; there is so much we share in common that often I feel one with him.
I hear a prayer being read out. There’s no mistaking that it’s for a dead person. My ears want to listen to it but my mind won’t agree that it’s for me. Then I see an apparition standing next to my family. It looks exactly like her. Somewhere in this confusion I had forgotten about her. She is the one with whom I was to spend the rest of my life. We came together as a whirlwind, she then set the sails right and took control of our lives. She had everything to give: love, life, laughter, courage, calm, care, time, temperament and trust. My eyes fill up, but only in my mind. She comes closer and touches me. I feel her, on my face. She embraces me. I feel her. How? Is she also? She looks at me and blinks her eyes and assures me. She smiles, just a little. I smile back. We are finally at peace. No distance separates us now. Alas we are together!


The casket is closed and there is darkness again. I am being lowered into my final resting place. I feel my eyes becoming heavy again; I don’t fight this time and let it close. I am at peace with myself now.

2 comments:

bhuji said...

cant die alone? want to take me along :P ????? hmmmmmmm I thought it wud end with me being alone but i forgot u wnt let that happen :)

Ok will die sme other day for u

me said...

couldn't read it at first. change the font colour pls.

it is good. great. loved tremendously. good one for a grass combo.

great one.