Living with Carpal tunnel Syndrome- Part 1

When I was afflicted with Carpal tunnel syndrome, the first thing I did was google for forums and write ups from people who suffered from this syndrome. I was surprised to find none, which is not surprising considering the pain one goes through. Typing while one suffers is not something one would normally do ( I am not normal) and once healed maybe people are relieved to get back to life, they don't want to relive their days of misery. But many of my dear ones asked me if I could write about this phase, so that it would help people who don't understand what Carpal tunnel syndrome is and perhaps also highlight the treatments and help one could get while suffering from this condition. 
This series in parts will highlight my experiences living with carpal tunnel syndrome- They have been composed over 7 months with the help from my hubby because I cannot type with these hands anymore.



          Sometimes I wonder what’s worse. Living with a disability forever or living with a condition that will disappear soon ( like in a year and half). I have been living with Carpal tunnel syndrome ever since I got pregnant. Carpal tunnel syndrome (CTS) is a median entrapment neuropathy that causes paresthesia, pain, numbness, and other symptoms in the distribution of the median nerve due to its compression at the wrist in the carpal tunnel ( source- Wikipedia). In layman's term I have numbness in my palms, swelling and pain in my shoulder, neck and wrists.Frankly, I wish I never knew this syndrome existed because I was managing fine hoping the numbness and pain in my arms would disappear some day- I thought I had hurt my hand badly and it was some temporary  nerve problem. But after the diagnosis and the verdict from the Ortho ( which included a nerve conduction study where they pass electric current through your palms) that this would last throughout my pregnancy and perhaps three months after the baby is born I began hating myself for having ever met a doctor for this situation.

I did not give up my hopes, I soon met a few Ayurveda doctors but they all told me I could not take any oral medication in pregnancy and so all I could do was reduce working with my hands as in I should pamper myself by refusing to cook, clean, work and take complete rest. My mom perhaps having never encountered such a condition in her 25 years of  nursing career, did not realize the magnitude of my situation, and kept consoling me saying things would be fine ( she has always been a fighter so she could not let her daughter give up). I wondered how I would have coped with this had I been fully employed, would my employers ask me to take leave for a year or would I go on leave without pay? ( Nah ! they would perhaps fire me). Would I need to undergo series of  examinations from specialists to certify me an authentic Carpal tunnel patient? I frankly don't have answers to these questions but from the forums I have been a part of ( Yes there are forums for pregnant women suffering from Carpal tunnel syndrome) I understand there are many women around the world suffering from the same and still willingly they choose motherhood the second and third time.

Luckily I was not employed. But I was at the verge of completing my thesis. My supervisor was sympathetic to my condition but like an injured player forced to take a back seat and watch his team mates score on field, I had to watch my peers and colleagues submit and defend their thesis in this period. Did it upset me? Yes at times it did especially when people refused to believe or comprehend my suffering. Especially when they asked why do you get rare diseases? Why is it you always? As if I had planned on getting Carpal tunnel and skipping work. Seriously many did ask me these questions. 

A normal day for me starts with me pacifying myself that I am not disabled, neither is this a terminal illness, I will see light at the end of this tunnel some day. But the very next minute, I end up in despair when my hands go numb holding my tea cup. Tears stain my face when I realize I cannot move my toothbrush because my hand’s gone numb again. And it embarrasses me that I don’t take proper showers anymore because I can’t soap or towel myself without taking breaks or pauses. I cried last month when I traveled by public bus, I had no place to hold onto, and people who saw me with my sling conveniently ignored me, I lost confidence to travel all alone.

Carpal tunnel syndrome has attacked me at the most opportune moment, I conceived quite unexpectedly and I had a thesis pending all set to be submitted in 6 months. But today I struggle to edit it. I wish I could explain my helplessness to people who wonder what’s taking me so long. At times I become so frustrated wondering if people will fail understanding my pain and that’s when I wrote some pregnant thoughts - http://catharasisofaresearchscholar.blogspot.in/2014/02/some-pregnant-thoughts.html. I was mad at everyone who kept pestering me to have a kid, though deep within I knew they had no inkling that I would get Carpal tunnel syndrome.

Carpal tunnel syndrome has stolen away every pleasure of my life. Baking a cake seems a distant dream, reading a book a tedious task and sleeping an impossible feat. I have become a chronic insomniac (which is why I am typing this at 2 am on a Thursday morning). I thought I should put my time to better use than toss and turn in bed with numb hands. So aren't they numb now? Oh yes they are… but I have nothing else to do, so I torture them even more.

Would I have loved some support from dear ones? YES, but unfortunately crisis makes you realize who your true friends are. All my friends except 2 or 3 have assured me prayers. Now though I don’t undermine prayers they right now can’t type, cook, fold, clean and help me sleep so frankly they are of no help to me. I don’t intend being blasphemous but Carpal tunnel syndrome  has made me quite bitter and cynical. It has made me rethink on relationships, family, friendships, love and even parenthood. Unlike many adversities I have been through ( mostly emotional), this one has been hard on me. Because I had limited access to phone, mails and rendezvous, I soon realized the friendships that I boasted about were so feeble, to have withered away when I could not stay in touch ( and trust me everyone knew what I went through, I made sure everyone knew about it, I thought I could use the support). Sometimes life can be cruelly hilarious, I attribute my experiences with CTS to this phase.

I cannot stop admiring people using their hands to work, I can gaze at them for hours, watch them chop, clean, use their hands as if it was quite normal ( I keep staring at my maid when she sweeps and washes vessels, yep I am envious of her). I realize how many people in this world would feel the same like me. We often take our hands so much for granted. I can see my misery has not built me strong but made me bitter, I end up hurting others when I am in pain, though frankly it’s unintentional. At times all I want is physical help or silence, not some optimistic crap. It hurts me as I type this and all I want is to sleep peacefully for a night without numb hands. I don’t need to be reminded it will all be fine. It has been really difficult and I have been really brave ( Yep at times one needs to pat oneself). People tell me parenting is painful, but I thought they meant the child birth process but that is not true, there's more pain to this process than child birth alone.

Don’t ask me why I was inflicted with this, there are many out there just like me. Don’t boast about how you finished your thesis before me, don’t ask me why I got pregnant or why I get into rarest of rare situations. Don’t appreciate my spirits; I am too tired to register half your nonsense.  I may not be terminally ill, but I am in pain 24 hrs and I am sorry if I am not tolerant to your worries at the moment. It's been 7 months this way, some days are fine, some days are really bad. And that's how it feels living with Carpal tunnel syndrome. List of things you can't do outnumber the list of things you can do. I know this does not help, but next time you worry about the sky falling, ask yourself, if you have two hands to hold onto those falling pieces :)

                                         ( to be continued..... about treatments, miraculous healing and back to suffering)

Cat chronicles- Don Mathaikunju Geevarghese Samuel

Cats were never my favourite animals. But as I said in the previous post on ‘Cat Chronicles’, 5 years at IIT and my marriage to WHO made me love cats like never before. Candy’s (there’s been a post on her before) death made WHO stubborn and grumpy whenever the topic of getting a cat came up. But I did not wanted to give up. I thought if Candy died it meant we had a lesson to learn and maybe an irresistible kitten was waiting around the corner to join our family. And finally it all happened - One fine morning, when I was leaving from Chennai to Bangalore for the weekend. I came across a pet adoption blog and casually mailed the blogger with my details asking if she had a kitten to adopt.  I got a call in three hours, before I boarded the bus to Bangalore. I was told a cat was rescued and was at a home for the past few weeks. They described the kitten as an adorable little angel except for that he was possessive and drove their own house kitten away.  I spoke to WHO immediately and he was in no mood for a new cat. His points were valid- we would have to leave the kitten in the bathroom or balcony, when WHO was at office and he worked too late. But with my cousin brother’s entry into our family I thought I still had some chance of convincing WHO  and I suggested maybe for three months they could take care of the kitten together because my cousin worked night shifts and WHO would be back by night.

However, that was not the crux of the problem.  Men can be possessive, especially when they don’t learn to share their space with others in the early years of marriage. We had no kids and WHO thought getting a kitten was some trial of mine to check out if he was ready to be a parent (a message he got after watching Marley and Me). He would soon be fighting on this with me weeks later though I was oblivious about this at that moment.

And that’s how Don joined us on WHO’s 30^th birthday. We named him Don, after a day with him convinced us of his menacing nature. He was the naughtiest kitten I had ever seen. He would hide behind doors and pounce on you, he would fetch ball, apple, anklet, hair clip and loved football. He would scratch and bite sneaking under our blanket just to feel high and sometimes he gave you that weird look- the one we later realize was a precursor to his dangerous games. We named him Don Mathaikunju Geevarghese Samuel- the last two being WHO’s middle and surname but Don is the only name he responds to (and these days gundu which means ‘fatso’)

We have heard a lot of ifs and buts from people about cats. Cats are selfish, Cats are dirty, Cats are solitary and this is the best one – Cats can put an evil eye if you eat in front of them. The list is endless. Some of these came from relatives, some from friends and most from parents. I am surprised that many of these people had never come to be at a meters distance from any animal in their life but are always full of hearsay. Against all jibes and comments we made sure that Don stayed put in our house. Through him we learned new things about cats and also saw a lot of myths being broken. So with these posts we will try to break all myths associated with cats, with Don as a reference, one myth at a time.

Myth#1 - Cats are outdoor animals

Well, so are human beings. We were never meant to be inside. Even in the modern setting we spent most of our time outside; only difference being we move from one- inside to the other. But at the end of the day we all love to come home to roost. Given a choice cats love to be indoors. The only problems being once inside they get branded as thieves. So it was always convenient to label them as outdoor animals lest you have to setup a state of the art anti-theft system. Alternatively let’s not forget the real thieves for whom the anti-theft systems were setup in the first place; not for cats I am sure.    

Cats love to be indoors, unless they have to go look for food and water and also for doing the same things in the reverse order.  Once in a while they also like to sharpen their tools or sit on a branch of a tree and just watch the world go by. Logically, I think it’s a chore for cats to be outside because they have to always look out for predators, as they search for food. From a human perspective it would sound something like this – you are in the middle of an urban warfare, always looking out for snipers, as you move about in the neighborhood looking for milk and bread. If all their needs are met then cats will be more than happy to sit on your couch and watch Animal Planet or Nigella cook a delicious soufflé. And that’s exactly what Don does. His day starts with a sardine or a bowl of milk, which is provided to him in the balcony.  If he were to graciously finish his breakfast in one go or at one place and not insist on moving around with the dismembered fish, like how his wild cousins do, we would have let him have his fish indoors too. Once his hunger is satiated, he’s restless to come inside. And he’s so twitchy to get inside as if someone’s after his life. And that’s why I say cats like to be indoors too. At this moment, when his basic needs are met, given a choice between the green pastures outside and the four walls inside, Don would choose the latter. Once inside he gets down to his cat business. And those are proceedings which will break the next set of myths and I’ll detail them in the next post.  Once all is said and done, he’s ready for the longest chore of the day – to sleep. And even a cat knows that it’s best to sleep on the couch and not on the side of the road ( as you can see in the pic below , he loves the comfort of the washing machine too ).

 And then there's a lot more we have learned from Don on the feline nature- stay tuned for more on cats and their behaviour through the eyes of 'Don'.

Misanthrope

I think negative emotions are more passionate than positive ones, with age and time it intensifies like old wine. I have never heard revenge and anger wane but I have seen love dissipating. That's exactly why we see people in love separate with no qualms, the hatred defeats the love. And it's to counter these emotions  that religion was constituted. To give people hope ( false hope) - of an unconditional love, eternity that they would gain for  this unconditional love. And it's amazing how it works with the weak. The weak always believe their situations will change, while the strong are too busy to even worry about eternity. I wish I never got these weird epiphanies- it's making me a misanthrope :) I love that word. If a man is a sum total of his experiences then I am a bad case. I have been blessed with a rare combination or adversities and I am not saying this to be depressed, I have not been very lucky with the mundane- the things people take for granted and so I am a negative emotion binge eater- which obviously makes me look philosophical and intellectual but also makes me a poor companion. I have zero tolerance for frivolity and no wonder I have no friends. I was grateful till now for having a life partner and then I realized why we gel together- a misanthrope can only survive with another one ( or at least someone who identifies the misanthrope as one). Why do you think Watson understood Sherlock :)

Found this beautiful quote that sums these thoughts

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

Sometimes we laugh at people for being loners or eccentrics, I assure you they are the best story tellers. 

For the sake of sanity, please don't send me condolences and comforting messages like 'will pray for you', 'god is merciful' and  ' be cheerful'- chances are that I might even contemplate killing you. I am not a fan of morals and humanity.

I cook with my hands- Sorry if that offends you

Last week I received a very unusual message on FB. I am deeply upset with myself for allowing myself to be upset by such incidents but it so happens that I am volatile ( even prior to my pregnancy). This message was from a so called distant relative of my dad residing in Italy. And it read 

Dear Teena,

Please take this message in the right sense, consider it like an advice from an elder brother ( building up tension). I saw some snaps on your food blog ( ok now he is getting to the point) and I see that you use bare hands to cook. This is unhygienic and will send wrong message to the world ( What the Fu###k ? ). I was supposed to show this link to some of my Italian friends and I was worried about what they would think? As it is they think we Indians are unhygienic ( I am bursting, seriously I am). So please use gloves henceforth.

love 

Mr X

I was appalled at what I was reading, and I decided to share it with my hubby after all he is the calm one among us. He read it patiently and asked in quite unparliamentary words ( something I will translate parliamentarily here) Wasn't this guy born here and did his mom not cook using her hands? It's amazing he survived with all the unhygienic background.And then began my battle of mails with this fellow where I had to shatter his colonized mind off the burden to appease his colonizer friends. Well all I wrote was this

Dear Mr X.

I hope you realize India got freedom in 1947 and we ate with hands before 1947 and we still do. In fact eating with hands requires us to wash it before and after unlike man of you friends who might forget to do so because they don't eat with hands. And in fact I have been to Italy and have seen Italians eat Pizzas, Panini and many other stuff ( Like pop corn, MC Donald hamburger, french fries) using hands. In fact I spent an afternoon watching them toss pizza dough with bare beefy hands. And guess what in Venice, Milan, Florence and Perugia, they used hands to make pizza dough. Now I don't know about Rome and since you are there, you should tell me how to knead the pizza dough wearing gloves. Morevoer I am checking cookery videos and I see Jamie Oliver, Anthony Bourdain, Gordon Ramsay and Nigella Lawson using bare hands I am sure they are outcasts and disgrace to your Italian friends. 

And if your friends think we are unhygienic please tell them despite eating with dirty bare hands, and cooking with the same, we could not even kill 1/10th of our population, I wish we could that could be the best population control strategy.

Please find out if Sonia Gandhi uses here hands to eat, I am sure if she does that should upset Italy even more.

love

Teena

This mail was met with an absurd  reply which made me want to hire a contract killer to kill this guy..

Dear Teena,

You treat me like an enemy. Your dad and my dad were second cousins and you wrote to me with such arrogance ( oh god, why can't this guy stick to the point). I did not want my friends to misunderstand you. (to hell with your friends). I am ashamed at the way you argued ( yep, coz you seem to be the loser). I will never advice you hereafter ( good for you and I am blocking you dear brother).

Mr X

I finally blocked this guy off FB. I am surprised I get to meet such people and that they exist. Shallow people who wag their tails to appease the foreigners and who belittle their own culture and upbringing for this. Just because you stay a couple of years abroad does not mean you get to look down on your own people Mr Smarty pants and  you are free to wear gloves to eat your idlis and dosas ( after all they are coated with germs) . May you live ten years more than me and be a burden to mother earth. 

Seriously, why is it so cool when a foreigner eats with his fingers and why is it messy when we lick our hands dripping of curd rice. We use chopsticks, fork and knife and eat every cuisine they way it's meant to be so why is using hands a disgrace? And then you tell me crap like get close to nature?

I know this is an absurd fight but coming from an Indian born here and residing in Italy after the first half of his life I find this hypocritical. I am not ethnocentric but I will not allow myself to be judged and moulded for someone else that's just not me. ( After going through my blog all he had to say was wear gloves ??? )

This post is not meant to offend any other culture but I don't think imitating another culture, another accent, another way of life to be accepted by someone else is cool. It just shows how uncomfortable you are with yourself and how low your self esteem is.

Some pregnant thoughts

People, who tell you pregnancy is all about the glow on your face and excitement about that miraculous life growing within you, are definitely men or sadist women, who are lying or perhaps even a woman in denial or playing a joke at you. Despite years of debates and discussion with my spouse, surviving societal expectations and pressures, things definitely don't seem rosy and romantic to me, now that I am pregnant. There are times you feel lonely and then you realize there is someone within you (like that someone is right now kicking me from within). But then you wonder will this mere realization suffice? or am I subjecting myself to the romantic notions of pregnancy my subconscious has gathered from books, movies and wisdom of elders. I guess some of us fall in love with the notion of motherhood that we believe it's gonna be a romantic phase. When you visualize yourself in a pink checkered frilly frock (with those rose buds and bow ties) with a bowl of strawberry and a bulging tummy it appears cute in your  photo shopped mind. This post has been in the draft mode for 6 long months. I have never found it so hard to verbalize something before.

Frankly I wanted all that glow and when I looked devastating I was told it's a boy by many (these 'many' are like oracles in demeanor but as competitive as stock brokers when it comes to speculating the gender of the baby), as if it would pacify my aching heart. During our daily morning tea time conversation I asked my hubby my greatest fear- " Are we ready?" " Are we ready to accept we will never expect anything in return for all these aches and pain I go through?" "Will I be able to resist myself when a rebellious teenager asks me someday why I gave birth to him/her?" Long time ago a couple visiting us were shocked that we harbored such thoughts even before conceiving a baby and they told me that people don't think so much. That's exactly my problem, that we don't think at all and hence that teenager someday is right to ask why the hell he/she was made in the first place. I have asked my parents too, in my teenage rage, and so if what goes around come back like a boomerang, I am expecting the same.

I also get pissed off when people tell me 'enjoy!!! it's the best phase of life'. I don't understand what they mean. I don't think peeing 20 times a day or sneezing and finding yourself leaking is exciting. Neither do I think struggling with a numb hand (Carpal tunnel syndrome- and now it's infected both hands) or bee hive kind of rashes all over our body (please google - PUPPP) is  exciting. I cannot whip, or fold, type, or lift an object with my right hand (and now the left hand too) so imagine me typing this post :) I don't expect graces from heaven for going through this phase it so happened and I am learning to cope with it. So next time you see that stupid Johnson's ad and feel all teary remind yourself it's a hoax. Chances are that you will throw stuff at your hubby in pregnancy rage rather than sit and knit purple booties :) and that's normal. You won't say gaining weight brought happiness, you would sigh at the swollen feet that does not fit into your pumps (I don't have such issues but have friends who suffer from swollen feet). You are going to hate yourself on those sleepless nights trying to restrict yourself sleeping to the left while your partner tosses and turns and even  lies on his tummy.Bliss!!! Let me tell you it's not easy. You definitely need a lot of contemplation before you decide to get pregnant and family and societal pressures should be the least of your reasons to conceive. Because if you are unprepared two souls bear the brunt the most- the hubby and the baby and that's just unfair.

I don't mean I regret this. I just hate people telling me to enjoy this. Despite all odds I have been surviving this all alone, I did not employ a helper. I still manage everything home with the help of my supportive hubby, I am still editing my thesis. Pregnancy has made me love and respect my man even more. Unlike many lazy men I see around me, he wakes up early enough to help me with chores around. He is away mostly compared to others who get back home by 6 and relax, and yet he chooses to support me in everything I do at home from cleaning, massaging, washing to cooking.  He makes me realize we are in this together and had he the option he would share the numbness, the itching and the labour pain. And that's love.... and that's why I believe it's worth to bring this kid into a world where he/she can see mutual respect, love and care right from home. But that does not lessen the aches and pains and mood swings and nausea and weakness.... it does not mean we should glorify them and wear them as jewels. It need not be recounted 100 times in future to tame our kids- because we did choose this on our own for whatever reasons we have.

Each experience is unique so I am all ears to mothers who have pleasant stories to share but I just want to remind them, that its just not the same for all, we do experience joy with those occasional  kicks and flutters but we hardly have any control over our emotions ranging from anger to depression. I think comparing one's pregnancy to somebody else's is the biggest sin ever, trust me pregnancy can get competitive too, I see women compare baby weight, length, circumference and what not? Personally I would stay away from such competitions.

Something that has soothed me throughout is maintaining a baby journal where I record my thoughts, my daily mood fluctuations and ailments. It helps one bond with one's baby and would make the best personalized gift you can give your kid some day. Many friends who heard this laughed at me. They believe nothing beats money and investment. But I disagree. Despite the numbness, I never quit the journal, and I even jot down my inhibitions about being a parent. And frankly I love being cathartic that gives me sanity.

The biggest lesson I learned from all this is that there would be a load of useless people who would ask you why you don't have kids but you won't find a single soul when you are at it. I don't remember a single person from this clout calling me up and asking me about my health but they were the most determined of souls to convince me on the bliss of motherhood. So if you want to take this bridge it's a long solitary journey and it's not the last phase that hurts- the whole thing hurts in bits and pieces. So next time someone asks me when I am gonna have the second one- I am gonna shove some Mississippi pie down their @###

Bizarre antics of the Average Mallu male

I was reading Cyrus Broacha's 'Average Indian Male' and it occurred to me that he hadn't analysed the South Indian male adequately. And being a malayalee I cannot claim an authority over the whole of South India but from my 30 years of experience with Alpha-males from the Kerala region I guess I know them quite well. Before I begin, let me assure you I will be discussing pure breeds alone and my representation of a Malayalee alpha male is not the second or third generation Non- resident Keralite living in other states of India or the Middle East ( popularly known as GULFF), or Europe and the United States. Though occasionally few traits transmitted from the true breeds over generations can be evident in these half- breeds. My favourite case studies for this study would be my dad ( his soul rests in peace) and my pop-in-law ( a soul that can never rest in peace). Now I have few cousins, uncles and other assorted relatives who exhibit more or less the same traits, for me to conclude the reliability and validity of my experiment. For the purpose of comparison I have chosen two case studies from different educational, geographical, cultural, ethnic, caste, creed, complexion ( my dad and dad- in-law). But the end result will show you irrespective of the differences they conduct themselves quite the same. So let me delve into some bizarre antics of the Average Mallu Male.

1) Table manners- An average Mallu male  is quite particular about his food, he can't be enticed by viagra but can definitely be coaxed by over- priced exotic tasteless fish ( like pearl spot for instance). He would constantly quote the price of the fish during meals on the table and remind his kids how tactfully he bargained and got them a good catch. An average mallu male would also insist on sitting at the head of the table and in rarest or rare cases some alpha male would request they be served in a different plate than others to mark their supremacy. Their wives require exemplary surveillance skills. An average  mallu beta female seldom eats peacefully with her one eye looming over her husband's plate asking him dutifully if he needs refills, which he replies in grunts ( like hmmmmmm - if its a yes and hmm hmm - if it's a no). A traditional alpha male finds it hard to confine his food to his plate. He drops his food around the table sometimes strews the table with fish bones and curry leaves which by the end of his meal is dutifully swept by his wife or daughter but never him. Taking one's own plate to the kitchen is unheard of in average mallu culture and modern husbands doing so are still frowned upon and considered henpecked husbands in many parts of the state.

The end result of every meal is a dissatisfied beta female and tortured gamma prodigies who find it hard to relish the taste less over priced fish. 

2) Stand up or mind it !- An average mallu alpha male expects people to stand up when he enters a room especially the women, the young and those who rank socially lower than him. If the audience wear a tradional lungi ( aka 'mundu') that is folded up revealing one's legs, they are expected to drop it down to show respect to the alpha male. Many wives have been restricted from visiting their homes for the reason that a brother or uncle of hers did not stand up and let his mundu drop down when the Alpha male visited them. But if the Alpha male grants you the permission to sit down- you  can, provided you don't lean back and relax yourself. Occupying 1/4th of the chair and a posture that indicates you are leaning forward eagerly listening to the alpha male  can earn you brownie points ( like a packet of dunhill, a  jasmine roll on, yardley powder or Fa soap).

3)  My money is my money, your money is my money-  The alpha male controls the primary and secondary income of his family. The secondary income though perhaps more than his, will never be identified as an independent source. A joint account in a mallu family is always a hoax, for the account would always be operated by the alpha male. The alpha male still believes in feudalism and curbs minor revolutions budding in his household with the use of leather belt, cane, chappals and bare hand. Prowess and aggression is considered as a sign of manhood and hence gamma prodigies get dutifully caned for asking bare necessities ( which they will be then eventually granted). The beta females constantly suffer from Stockholm syndrome. They earn money yet deny the ownership over their earnings, and defend the alpha males reverentially. 

4) Narcissus is my true god- The alpha mallu male is always in love with himself. He lives in a world of grandiose plans. He believes he is the neatest and cleanest man on earth and despises every other males especially those of other cultures. There are of course exceptional behaviours that he rules out ( like peeing/shitting under his favourite coconut tree is considered bonding with nature). He conducts himself as he pleases. In his encyclopaedia of  conduct, things work his way and never the vice versa. His mistakes are lessons for learning and others mistakes sheer stupidity.

5) Oh I am modern yet close to my roots- An average mallu alpha male will ask for curd rice and lentils ( aka kanjim- payarum) or fish curry meals  after a dinner at pizza hut. The logic being his stomach will get constipates if he is denied of his daily diet. The problem is that average alpha mallu male finds it very hard to accommodate new habits alien to his culture but also wants to pass the message to other cultures that he has updated himself. So he force feeds himself noodles with chopsticks and stuffs himself with pizza all the while criticizing the backwardness of the neighboring South Indians and average North Indians, only to get back home and ask for his favourite fish curry meals, kanji or dosa. It is no different when it comes to dressing.

 A proud mallu though might be well accustomed to jeans, shirts and other accessories needs a lot of air circulation for which he prefers wearing his bizarre colored lungi ( with pink flowers and purple butterflies more like a bedsheet)  which he manages to procure on his every visit to Kerala dutifully even when he resides abroad. This attire is suitable topless showing off the hairy chest. There are a lot of advantages to wearing a mundu or lungi as evident from malayalam movies- you can lift it with your feet in the middle of a fight- that's sheer style, you can remove it and tie it over your head when you attack your enemy or are totally drunk, it is very easy to remove and throw when you are in a hurry to rape, in fact unfolding a lungi and tying it again is a strong message that the guy is ready to fight. A lot can be written on the politics of Lungi.
Men wearing shorts are often looked down and considered municipality sweepers, inferior and unmanly- shorts have no politics to be mulled over. The same applies to the moustache a mallu male adorns trimming it and curling it using his favourite coconut oil. Minus the moustache the mallu male loses his prowess the way Samson felt helpless without his hair ( refer old testament in bible). Moustache if viewed in the right way is the antennae for the mallu male- he twists and plays with it when aroused, in fear, when nervous, while plotting revenge- the direction his eyes faces determines his mood. The manliness of a mallu male solely rests on his moustache, lungi and the number of bad words he can swear oops and not to forget the number of pegs he can ingest ( after all we top the charts in alcohol consumption).

6) Relationships- It took me years to conclude with these findings. In Kerala the dad's side of the family is always full of vamps and villains and mom's side with angels. Dad's side of the family be it an aunt or uncle will always crib, torture and use un-parliamentary words just because they are the dad's side of the family. While mom's side of the family are by nature forgiving and loving people who give, give and give. They respect the son-in- law and serve him the best of best while the daughter-in-law gets royally disgraced because that's how the dad's side behaves. For this reason kids always long to visit their maternal side where they are duly adored and loved while going to the dad's side can be a nightmare. A common theme in mallu movies and mallu families is the rivalry over property issues and death of the alpha male- head of the family. These fights sometimes legal battles extending to two generation revolves around the division of land and property. Every alpha male will have a story of being betrayed by some sibling over some land issue which is the sole reason for Kerala topping the alcohol consumption charts ( that and some pending dowry he has to receive from his wife's family).

The beta female is the most subdued, psychotic, depressed and convoluted creature in this community. Despite her education she is still a victim of this vicious torturous cycle. A lot more can be told about the bizarre antics of average mallu male but then my hubby thinks I am too critical about things and should stop doing this for my own peace but since this post was composed before this statement of his, I use my  discretion to post this here. By the way my hubby is not a typical mallu male and I married him for this reason :)

Why I did not change my surname?

I know it's gonna be quite controversial and difficult to float. I might offend a  lot of my friends ( well the ones who know me well wouldn't be surprised) but I have been mulling over this topic for quite some years and was waiting for a gush of hormones to propel me to craft this  post ( that's how I basically write, emotionally, unedited, at a stretch). What better time could I ask for than pregnancy ( yes I am pregnant and I don't think its a big deal ) with all that progestrone being produced and mood swings cornering me- I guess this is that auspicious moment to get back here and voice my thoughts. I have been neglecting this space a lot- mostly because I hate writing because some great guy told me I can't write. It's amazing ! the effect certain people who mean nothing to us can have over us and how they can turn our worlds upside down with their frugal words. Well I won't discuss more on that. There are many benefits of being pregnant ( something I will discuss in another post)- to me it has revived my old self. I wake up with an I- don't - give- a - damn- to - you  attitude and have suddenly become passionate about things I discarded years ago. So that's how I decided to pen these thoughts.

My oldest memory of  listening to a couple fight over change of maiden name is when I was 13. My mom was being promoted from a blue label nurse to a red label  nurse which meant she had to change her name tag. My dad insisted she change her name from K.Kuriakose to K. Augustine. After 16 years at work holding her maiden name my mom was forced to change her surname. I realised she gave the not-being- promoted excuse as a reason for not changing her surname all those 16 years. People knew her as Kuriakose. It amazed me that a woman of her generation did not take up her hubby's name immediately. I never understood why dad  insisted the change of surname. Her passport read Kuriakose, so did all official documents and that would  never change. Her signature was M.K Kochuthresia, that would never change either. Was dad eager to share her promotion? or did he just like the fact that her tag showed his name- some narcissistic pleasure. It made me even wonder why I couldn't inherit my liberal mom's surname? But my identity was defined as Teena Augustine and my signature bears the same name. Despite my disagreements with dad, I never had the urge to change it but at the age of 13, I made a covenant with myself- " I wont ever change my surname when I get married".

I got married to the best soul on earth- a selfless, progressive man I am willing to die for- but I was true to my covenant- I did not change my surname to the surprise of many. It irritates me to see people changing their surnames on facebook the very next day after their marriage. It's as if their sole mission in life was to get married to change surname. I look at those excited couples and wonder- why don't any of these newly wedded husbands add their wives names as surnames just for fun. It never happens. As women we are constantly reminded we don't belong to the homes we were born into and we happily agree and accept the new family and their surname.

At a wedding I was asked if I changed my surname? I was trying to fathom why such a question should arise- when the person addressing me listed all possible reasons for why women change surnames

1. You will have issues inheriting your husband's property when he dies if you don't change you surname ( Ok that sounds quite monetary and gruesome- what if I die before him??)

2. Schools will get confused if parents have two surnames ( that's what marriage certificates are for- and if they are educated they shouldn't find this confusing at all- its not a quadratic equation, its just a name)

3. Husband and Wife are one so they should have a common name ( ok then let my hubby choose my surname or we could have a number plate that way every couple can shed their old names and be known through a number like we have passport number, license number)

4. Kids will find it confusing- ( my  god ! kids these days are better informed than us and process complex technology, two surnames mean nothing to them)

5. Not changing surname means you haven't submitted yourself completely ( cut the crap !!!!!)

My father-in-law called me up  when I was in Chennai to courier me some papers he wanted to be delivered at some government office. I read my address and he made me repeat Teena Augustine thrice. I thought he was turning deaf but then after his long pause, he asked me why I hadn't changed my surname. Now my hubby and I lived in two cities for 3 years - I don't think the distance affected us though people speculated the end of our marriage- I don't think our relationship is so brittle to fall apart because of an unchanged surname.

And yet I fail to understand why we undermine our identity and accept these silly changes because somebody has been doing it for centuries? Why do rational, educated men insist their wives prove submission through change of surname? It's also getting fashionable to add both surnames, I have no opinion on that I see it as a effort to preserve harmony, it would make me happier if the guy took both surnames too- like an Aiswarya Rai Bachan  and Abhishek Bachan Rai but sadly that doesn't happen. So it all boils down to my bad luck that I am a woman and so I comply to a lot of crap instituted by a couple of crappy old systems which definitely was decided by men and enforced through the support of few women.

My aunt tells me there is an unexplicable joy in surrendering to one's husband and losing one's existence in his shadow. She believes change of surname is just a beginning of this experience.And not wanting to shed one's surname reflects one's ego. It hurts me when women perpetuate norms and justify such actions. Now that I am pregnant I wonder why my child gets to bear my hubby's surname and not mine or why not both of ours. What makes the world presume a child belongs to the father. Bible says ' for this reason man and woman leave their families and unite to become one'- that to me makes a lot of sense. Can't we for a difference shed our names and the proud lineage we boast about and adopt a common name and start our own family? What tradition are we trying to uphold? what aristocracy? what norm? 

Shakespeare said what's in a name? I wish he was here, I would have loved to discuss this idiosyncracy with him. So that's why I never changed my surname- because I am an arrogant feminist with an ego of the size of a dinosaur who finds unnecessary norms imposed on me as a burden. And I am grateful I live in times when I have the freedom to do so. If a marriage is so weak that it breaks because a wife did not change a surname- I think that  marriage would never survive in the first place. So all those people out there who think my hubby could act a bit more chauvinist ( make me bend on my knees) should look themselves in the mirror and roll their right fist into a ball  and then open their middle finger :) I mean it  !!! for those who agree with me, I owe you a big hug.