In the light of moral policing
and security issues of IIT Madras where media and parents are extremely
concerned about the moral decadence of their wards I wonder- What rights does
one have on one’s life? It takes me to even larger question, why are we being
born? The leap of questions would seem large but my justifications will soon clarify your qualms.
From birth I was reminded I was a
girl and hence my role is to study the basic minimum stuff that would help me
be a wife material and my education would suffice to teach my kids and
therefore save the tuition fare. My uncles still believe it was a mistake letting me choose doctoral studies.
Why are we as a nation so obsessed with having
children and thereby designing their lives? To the extent that we go frenzy when the biological clock ticks away
and in sheer desperation get married to any tom, dick and harry. I believe we live in a marriage and procreation obsessed nation where the beauty and true meaning of both the institution of family and commitment is absent. We marry and procreate as casual as a high school kids graduates from school to college.
Many of my friends ( Not all) who
are single with a Phd mourn their singlehood and freedom. The one’s married
mourn their decision and chaos. And finally what was this race for? For the
building of a new generation. What is it about parenthood that makes us so
gleefully vocal? Why are the single and childless shunned by this society? And what
does being a parent mean? Isn’t this turning to look like a wasted life?
I fail to understand friends who
tell me I have not learnt the true meaning of my existence as a woman Just
because I don’t change nappies and feed a baby 24 hours does not mean my life
is meaningless. Then of course I am told motherhood has more to it. And I am
fed with the Johnson and hohnson dreamy ads. But, I refuse to listen to the
sermons of these individuals who fret over their baby’s teething and first
step. I refuse to be fooled by Karan Johar movies of parent child love, where
duty and honour inter twines to make a melodramatic mis-e scene.I am bogged
down by the endless mails from my alumni announcing the birth of their
progenies and reminding me I am last in the race. I calm myself and ponder why
would I want a child?
I love kids, I really do, but I
am not a narcissist to believe my life and this world revolves around my
romanitic notions on parenting. I, infact see this as the biggest threat to
humankind. In this so called divine intervention which I would call parental
engineering we are so obsessed that we no longer enjoy the process. My peers
fret over their diets, choice of maternal care, future schools, names, careers
for their babies and all I see is a meticulous project plan under process to
welcome an individual into the new office called ‘family’.
Our children become our quests. We procreate
to rectify our mistakes, to make amendments, and with the ease of designing our
interior décor we design our children. We save, starve, and lavish over our
progeny in the hope of recovering from them what we have invested. And no
matter how much we deny this to ourselves our true colours come out in the
right situations.
So for parents who ask “How dare
you decide what you study”? “ How can you decide you are gay?” “ How can you
decide whom you marry”? these are those junctures, those right situations when
you suddenly realize your children aren’t
shares, fixed deposits and flexi
bonds and you did create them with lot of calculations.And suddenly you lose
your marbles, for your children failed you.
I don’t understand who gives a
human being the right to decide for another just because he or she is older.
After all we all make, have been making and will make mistakes irrespective of
our age. Why is a younger generation and
their hormones often blamed for deeming them incapable and us as parents or
elders to be demi gods.
In the current debates on
alternate sexual preferences, drug abuse and related matters at IIT a voice
constant heard is about how much the management owes to parents who have
trusted their wards to the institute. Which again makes me ask why does a
parent worry so much? I see this mother
staying back at IIT with her daughter over a semester. She is here to help her
daughter complete this course while the poor kid is under depression. I wonder
what this means. Instead of telling your kid go home and relax you are willing
to be by her side to undergo this torture. Is this parental love and responsibility?
I would flatly say no. It is a
calculative act. Because the IIT tag sells, the hope that the daughter gets a
job, a prospective groom, the offers are endless. And this is not the first
case. Many parents I have interacted to whose children are depressed asked me
if their child would ever complete his/her degree rather regain sanity.
Lets accept it, we want children
because we are bored, or want to strengthen our relationship with our spouse,
or to compete with our neighbor, relatives, or to feel successful and get a
sense of accomplishment in life. We want children because we worry what the
society might tell us if we don’t have them, we want them so that they take
care of us, inherit our property, carry our legacy, do what we could never in
life. We want them because it is a natural human disposition to have a kid once
you get married, as it is to join a college after you finish schooling.But
maybe we forget that, they are independent beings in flesh and blood and we
have no right to torture them constantly because we bore them for nine months
and paid for their expenses. They never asked for any of it.
If this is parenting, I don’t
regret being the last one in the race. For I don’t want to commit grave
injustice to another generation to fulfill my unfulfilled desires. I am aware
of the fact that some smart kid of mine will dig this up down the line to get
his or her demands fulfilled but I hope I don’t stand on pedantic pedestal and
lead him/her to the option of doing so.
If my child wants to be a homo,
atheist, cycle mechanic, I want to be able to trust his decision and only when
I can transform my mind to that level would I choose being a parent. And I
promise I wont ever make the mistake of owning my child and would always
respect his/her identity as an independent one.
And quoting from the tele show Satyameva Jayate I would like to end an age old debate on elderly respect Indian firmly believe in and is the foundation of every family. " It's not elders that should be respected and looked upto, it's the behaviour that should be respected and looked upto". So being a parent does not deserve respect perhaps we have learned from experience that not all elders show responsible and respectable behaviour.So why should they be respected blindfoldedly?
If anything should be respected it's behaviour and that would not give anyone the right over the other just because they are biologically older or hierarchically senior or at advantageous position to fund, curb and control your life.Perhaps we need to have perspectives and a decentralised approach to parenting where we consider children as individuals, where there is a scope for dialogue and a constant reflexion that we don't do this out of mercy and every child deserves this from a parent.
