Empty nest

She seemed happier than most days. Though I could not decipher the bemused expression on her face. Life had been dead for a while since the doctors and reports unequivocally explained her inability to conceive. I felt guility for delaying our plan for having a baby and every fight ended in her wishful thinking if only we tried earlier and maybe she would have had a baby. Since I had no ways of proving she was wrong and seeing her cry after every visit to a friend's place or park or malls where couples strolled with babies I preferred suffering alone. Unlike she thought I was hurt too but maybe I could never be a devoted parent like her.

Life after this catastrophe was equally depressing with her resigning saying she wanted to do what she loved now that there was no point earning for two of us alone with noone to look forward to. What I dreaded was watching her look at kids playing football from the kitchen early morning. She never blamed me or fate anymore. Those 15 minutes game in the morning parents strolling with kids in the evening became her entertainment. She got a puppy to walk in the evening only to watch kids playing in the park.

Still hoping a miracle she refused adopting making me feel even miserable. Painting and art classes began in our house all for her to be engaged with kids. neighbours who knew her love for kids misused this freedom making her a baby sitter often but she had no complaints. Life was a standstill for us in terms of 'us' all she spoke of was the kids who came for classes or she met in park. I was convinced she was away from reality.

But today she was excited . It was after dinner that she told me she was pregnant. It took some time to register because it was impossible. She refused going to a doctor because she did not trust the doctors who had written down her verdict as infertile. This miracle is for them to witness she said. I was baffled maybe even scared if she had lost it but she looked happy and I was silent. Our life for a while had been two separate routines with minimal involvement. But now she insisted on baby shopping redecoration of the baby room. I saw her reading parenting books and even knitting something she never liked doing long time back.

Her growing tummy made me more scared but she never wanted to visit a doctor and in fact turned hysterical when I insisted.

I came home to see her in pain it was the sixth month but her tummy was quite big. I rushed her to the hospital and waited anxiously. I knew what lay ahead because I alone knew what she didnt that she had uterine cancer and she had stopped responding to treatment . That she would not live long and she would never be a mother. But I still wished she came back safe out of that O.T and we could play her make beleive games of parents - to- be.

'Sorry we lost her' said the doc. But she firmly beleived its a girl till the end. She had this inside her palm. I took the unfinished booty she had been knitting in violet.

I felt empty and cold in the hospital corridor.

'How was she lately' asked the doc? 'She was well prepared to leave didnt need me like before' I said. Maybe she knew she was going to play with all those unborn babies lord was preparing to send down to earth. Maybe she always loved our unborn children more than me and herself.

I walked down to see her one last time. She lay peaceful with that smile that always killed me. I have all the time in the world for you i am next to you I whispered. I am in no hurry today you can tell me all about the kids in the park i said.But she lay silent deeply asleep a sleep from which she would never wake up.